By Force

This appears though I don’t necessarily desire it to do so.
I’m writing because it seems as though I must, though I cannot answer why.
I’m to tell you what I see…

I see the lost
I see those surrounded by few
loved by few (perhaps)
aided by few
supported by few
alone fending for themselves
and scratching through their existence

what do they know
what do they ponder
how do the moments of their existence
happen amidst their awareness?
How do they continue?
Through no other choice?

I wonder how far removed am I
and how much remove I add to me
to lessen my remove from them
and whether I can see to
try things differently

I see what I see and think
for these days I’m driven to little
and this is what’s left

I see the joyful
Their exuberance pours forth
I stand amazed
wondering how their thoughts
flash move expound
so they seem to keep themselves there

what do they know
what do they ponder
how do the moments of their existence
happen amidst their awareness?
What do they do to continue?

I see the determined
Those that have a plan
a place to drive their wants
and see them to fruition
as best as they’re able

Is “the wanting” so easy to justify
that it is self-evident
and requires no overt action or choice?
THIS question…is paramount
for, were I to WANT
and were I to be able to convince myself
that “the wanting” is rigfhteous…
WELL, then, there’d be fewer issues
I’d be more driven
I’d be more joyful
I’d be less alone…

I want…yet do not want to want.
I wish I did not want.
I conclude that my wanting is
symptomatic
And that “wanting less” creates more virtue

which…has a satisfaction
but…lacks satisfaction

The Aesthetic herds me to beauty.
I shall not want.
Except when my ego gets in the way
when THAT happens, then I feel
empty
alone
pointless
superfluous

And there I was
thinking my ego was dead…

…or so it would have you believe.

Thanks for listening.

Philip

Site Changes and New Pages

There have been a few posts I’ve written that are less about what I’m going through and more about how I think…

The how I think part of this site on the right menu under More Content.
These aren’t day-to-day posts, but instead more permanent content.

I have moved some of the day-to-day posts onto a new More Content section titled My Greatest Hits.

If I moved a post to a page, I’ve deleted the post.
Here’s what I’ve done:

• I’ve moved the Wordle image of this site to the Pictures page.
• I’ve moved the “Quieting of the Mind – an Aspiration” (from the post “A Pause Before the Onset”) to the front page of My Greatest Hits.
• I’ve moved the “Keeping the Web Up”  (from the post “Of Clouds and Webs”) to the front page of My Greatest Hits.
• There are six pages new that were previously posts:
  • Either This or It Remains Suppressed
  • 23 Gorillas and 2 Denouements
  • below the thing spoken
  • blather
  • The Cynical Moment
  • First Person

Remember, these pages were posts which have now been deleted…

If there are any questions, you’re invited to make a comment here or send me an e-mail.
Thank you for your kind attention.
And…thanks for listening.

Philip

Today I Wrote a Friend in Need

SO…here’s the thing: (ah, the simple joy of an e-mailed monologue – you are forced to listen because I typed and sent this, tho you COULD just delete it)….there are many (no, really, MANY) times when my own considerations drift me towards depression and a woeful embracing of my insignificance…and it is IN those moments when I also often pull myself AWAY from those who know and love me. Why? I’m going to own my own pain, thankyouverymuch, and I’m going to find my own way through it because that’s what each person is SUPPOSED to do and the LAST thing I want to do is be a burden to all those who love me and because their life is difficult and HOW PRESUMPTUOUS of me to distract them away from their tribulations just because I have this SELFISH need to have their attention drawn to ME to help ME out. NO WAY!

Yeah, well….ya know, frequently there’s a second thought that comes after that – “Hmmmm…now if I knew that a friend of mine were putting him- or her-self through some emotional tribulation and pulling themselves away out of protection for me and a need not to be a burden, I would encourage them otherwise, wouldn’t I? I would WANT to help them, WANT them to reach out to me, let me BE their ear and their shoulder and give me the chance to open my heart to them and let them see how much they are loved by the world and how valued they are and how important and wonderful they are so maybe they wouldn’t put themselves through so many needless emotional hoops…and if THAT’S the case, then isn’t it all right for ME to reach out and ask someone to be MY ear and MY shoulder???”

Then, of course, I do nothing. Which doesn’t make any sense – which is kind of funny to say, because it presumes that “sense” in some way should drive action…..HA! (Sarcasm, in case you were unsure…)

It has been a very long time since we shared time, space, and air together, my brother. I miss you and think about you often, esp. NOW because I get the sense you’re making a turn in your life and trying to do it all by yourself. And you are vexed by the thoughts that run through your head, and a little frustrated as to why the choices you’ve been making – all driven by love and a want to spread love – are NOT working out. And how those around you have their patience tried by you and your challenges because you know that they find you somewhat difficult to understand sometimes…..

I take a leap of faith in thinking we have a connection unlike what you may have with others. You know I believe the grandest sense of you. FIND ME…find me for you, find me for me…give me the chance to give you the gift of our connection. You needn’t hold it all in or suffer all by yourself. Cry on me for yourself, let it out, CATHART YOUR ASS OFF and then open your heart to hear someone who loves YOUR LOVE tell you that you ARE on a good and righteous path and that the world DOES need you to spread your love as best as you are able. Let me empower you, embolden you, embrace you, and take your pain from you to whatever extent I am able.

Or, suffer by yourself. Your choice. I am ultimately powerless over what choice you make, but consider the possibility that from a perspective OTHER than your own, solitary suffering has a tarnished nobility.

Links to Pics of My Recent Activities

On May 30 Blurred Knuckles competed in the Philadelphia Regional Air Guitar Competition:

• Here’s a link to a picture and blog: 
  http://music.pwblogs.com/2009/06/01/the-philly-air-guitar-championships-in-photos-and-words/
• Here’s a link to more pics (most all contestants & the night in gen’l):
  http://www.phrequency.com/blog/Shredding_Their_Way_to_Victory_.html

To recap the evening in brief…my friend Charles and his beau Siobhan offered to drive me to downtown Philly…get there @ 6:00pm and didn’t have to register until 7:30, so I hung out in Olde City (so old it’s spelled with an “e”) with a book and some tea…registered at 7:30 and the contest didn’t start until 10:00…there were 18 contestants and I was #14…did well enough to advance to the Finals, and the judges made frequent reference of my comparative age and my technical merits (which, though lacking ‘airness’ – whatever that is – were strong enough to advance).  Advanced to play what I would later find out to be an Anthrax song, and placed fourth overall….

…which about wraps up Air Guitar 2009.  Managed an eighth competition, a first time competing in Philly, first time competing with someone I knew in the audience, and even managed a little karaoke later in the evening (to round out the “faux music” evening)….

On June 3-6 and 10-13, the Harrisburg Shakespeare Festival performs “Cymbeline:”

• Here’s a link to many pictures taken June 6, our first sunny performance of the first week:
  http://www.white3designs.com/events
  The pictures were taken by local photographer Troy White – look for “Shakespeare in the Park” and click!

To recap what’s been happening…our first week has come and gone, and we only had one decent night, which was Saturday night (the night whene the pictures above were taken).  It was VERY crowded since it was our only sunny evening, and it was a very enthusiastic audience.  Here’s hoping for better weather this coming week!

Ta-ta for now…thanks for listening (and looking, as the case may be),

Philip

A Pause Before the Onset

Well!!  It has been a bit of time since I last spoke on this site, and things are about to kick in for the first few weeks of June, AND…my brain has been going to the places it’s been going…so we are compelled, now, in a comparatively idle Friday, to make mention of some things.  Ready?  Then we’ll begin:

Blurred Knuckles – Air Guitar!!  Saturday May 30  - I am VERY excited to be competing this year in Philadelphia (finally!) for US Air Guitar.  It’s my third year, and my eighth competition overall.  The competition is at The Khyber (http://www.thekhyber.com) and it begins at 8pm.

What song will you be performing?  What a great question!  Since I am the person I am, more recent songs – say, those written after 2000 – might not suit my particular idiom.  If a man of my comparatively advanced years is going to compete in an Air Guitar competition, then he must choose a song befitting himself.  The song is “Starship Trooper” by Yes, from their 1970 “The Yes Album” – my very good friend Mike Banks performed some sonic wizardry and combined the final 4+ minutes into a 60-second tour de force!!!  (Thank you, Mike).

NOW how much would you pay?  But wait!  There’s more!

FREE Shakespeare in the Park!   ”Cymbeline” at the Levitt Pavilion – The Harrisburg Shakespeare Festival component of the Gamut Theatre (http://gamutplays.org) brings you one of Shakespeare’s later (and somewhat lesser known) plays.  It’s a beautiful fairy tale, fun for the whole family, and it’s FREE!  If you’ve not been keeping score at home, I am part of the cast and am very hopeful we will be well received.  We open on Wednesday June 3 at 7:30pm, and run Wed – Sat for the first two weekends in June (3-6, 10-13).  The Levitt Pavilion is located in Reservoir Park at the top of the hill on the east side of Harrisburg (across the State St. bridge).

I could go into details about the story and the character I’m playing, but it’s likely that you would have no clue, and besides wouldn’t that spoil the story???  Come to the show, if you can!

Meanwhile…

Nonna’s Deli-sioso Employs Local Actor!  For the unaware, I should mention that I’ve been working @ Nonna’s for the past two months, and have been enjoying it immensely!  I’m sitting in here right now typing this on a day off, and it’s my frequent patronage that actually caused my being hired.  It’s a tiny place, and I came to know the owners quite well through all the time I spent here, and when they were looking to hire someone I figured it was a good fit.  We’ll ignore the fact that I jsut called myself a “local actor” because there’s a BIG part of me that abhors “being an actor” – I stayed away from it for 30 years for very good reasons.  BUT, it does seem fitting that this guy (me) who does a fair amount of acting (Shakespeare) should work in a restaurant.  The only difference is that i’m not waiting for my big break.

Nonna’s is located in Harrisburg, across from the Midtown Cinema, on Reily St. between Third and Green.

So much for the mundane “what’s going on”…now for the sturdier stuff!

A Quieting of the Mind – An Aspiration - this entry has been moved to my new Greatest Hits front page…

Philip