Originally published on this site Dec 31, 2007
as the original post titled A Glance At the Big Tote Board
Our story so far, in one sense:
The History of What You’re Reading
(Because you care, apparently…so, um, thanks, forgive me if I’m a little surprised – and as you read more you may better understand why)
– and it’s “interim summary” time ‘cause it’s the end of the year, and there’s some merit in nodding at the milestone and looking back – but I’m stalling…
This all started, actually, back in Thanksgiving Weekend 2006. “Human, Being” ended at the beginning of that year, and its supporting website had lost its regular appeal; knowing that, I allowed it to fall into antequation – and in that weekend I decided, in an effort to try and capture just what it was I was trying to capture, I started writing a “narrative” as I called it, and began posting rather elongated personal stuff on that same website. (“It’s NOT a blog” I kept telling people…to no avail)
This bled into early 2007…and I had my little trips and I described my reaction to them and what was going through my mind, and kept on posting. I lost my job at the Grocer the same week Mom died – feel free to slap a big CAUSE and EFFECT on that, ‘cause I kinda lost it…and then the job. That was April.
And it ain’t like Mom & I were close, although I’m at least happy with how we were able to relate to each other on those occasions where we spoke – there was so much I couldn’t reach, though.
But anyway (stalling again)
Took one more payout, and – coincidentally – shortly thereafter investigated air guitaring. My timing was good (if you look at the overall effort as ‘good’) because I finally wondered about it before the annual contest. And I did my Blurred Knuckles thing. That was June.
Now, all the time leading up to that I’d still been doing the narrative on the other site, and it was getting heavy, and it was getting personal, and I was blathering on about what was going on in my head and it had all the worth of – well, if I get too pithy lambasting my own efforts, I’ll sound depressed again.
I don’t feel depressed. All that much. Sometimes I do. But maybe I just can’t notice. But maybe there’s nothing to notice.
So, armed with the Blurred experience and a need to move to a better site and a need to pare down some of the weightier components of my previous entries (to try and find whatever it is I might find in terms of a philosophy), I began this site on wordpress.
My situation took a turn, and I was no longer able to devote time to updating this site. Add to that, I felt I was creeping again towards introspective, pointless entries and just felt disinclined to blather it all out, and cynical about my efforts in that regard.
In late November 2007, I tore the entire site down and stopped making entries. Many of the larger pages I’d had as separate documents, though, and have chosen to “rebuild” this site and begin again. I’ve put the pages that I could find back and, while I lknow I lost a lot of postings, I’ve been regularly taking any post of worth and creating a page from it. (As I chose to do here in Sep. 2008). So the site was reborn…beginning with this post.
I’m cynical about expression, about making art. The book I tried to think I could write about Blurred and 2007 Air Guitaring – petered out around Chapter 4. I’d only described up to the first city, and the more I considered writing more about it, the more ridiculous the idea of me writing a book about it seemed.
I’m cynical, you see, about the validity and worth of me even going through the process of saying what’s on my mind. Because if you ask me…big deal, ya know?
(I enjoy this part, in an odd kind of way. It’s moments like these where I feel I’m really “givin’ ‘em what they want” in terms of me disregarding my own existence…and thus embracing the spirit of those who would happily disregard my existence…gives me a sense of kinship. Oh, I do love my work…)
If it’s possible for me to do so, I’d really like to emphasize that I feel this next part is a rational, objective, coldly analytical thing, and not the result of some emotionally neglected contrivance. I feel this is the kind of thing I could say even as I’m in the middle of celebration, joy, and gladness of being a part of things and making a contribution.
I’m meaningless. I’m just one person. There’s near 7 billion of us right now, at this moment, and there’ve been countless before me, and probably at least a few more billion on their way and will arrive after I’m dead and buried. I’d like to say “countless” here, too, ‘cause it’d be symmetrical enall. The way things are going right now, though, I don’t have confidence suggesting its certainty. I hope it is “countless,” tho…)
So big fucking deal that I am, and big fucking deal that I think I got something to say. Everyone’s got something to say. Big fucking deal that I perceive myself as an artist and have a want to create artistic things. Everyone’s an artist and wants to create artistic things.
…and you’re even getting THIS mostly because Jeremy and Angela sat and by default were politely forced to listen to me soliloquize on Friday night, and I hadn’t ranted out loud in a very long time and it’s motivated me to this entry. Another personal account, another trip inside “Ian Introspective.”
Yes, so…we’ve reached the end of the year, and over and over on my site in 2007 I was wondering whether I’d see 2008. The reasons for that consideration are lengthy and ultimately moot. Suffice to say, though, that in less than 12 hours from the moment I’m typing this, I’ll have been pleasantly wrong about that.
I’m alive, I’ve got something of a life, I’ve got a job application and it’s a positive prospect, and I’ve got people around me who are important to me and who regard me (near as I can tell) as equally important. I add the qualifier because I’m naïve and I allow that there are some with agendas out there – if so, and if they’re pulling the wool over my eyes, then my hats off to their success….I believe all that to be highly unlikely, though – some folks have ‘gaydar’ and it seems I possess something of an ‘agenda-dar’ if that makes any sense…)
But back to the big fucking deal part…
I’m challenged in creating more. I’m challenged in believing that the creation is important, that it has worth or value.
And we welcome the ULTIMATE duality into the game.
I am insignificant.. We’re ALL insignificant.
But we’re not. And there’s the duality, and the challenge that ultimately faces each of us in our solitary, alone moments. You know you are insignificant, but you also know that, in your own tiny little context, you’re NOT. So, what do you do?
Answer: Find a way to create your own contextual significance, and being careful not to make it TOO significant, otherwise we’ll all call you on it. The folks that press forward with just enough of their own sense of things that DO for they are compelled and without trying to assert the agenda of their own importance and somehow make a difference and a contribution without telling us how important they are – well, THEY’RE the ones worth listening to.
As I sit here in this coffee shop listening to Beatles Radio on Sirius Satelite, John Lennon is one of those people.
The kind of person we should all strive to be – the ones that know their insignificance but press forward somehow anyway and, despite knowing their insignificance, make a difference and without their own doing become significant. More power to ‘em. All of ‘em.
So we’ll see what the New Year brings, and whether I can bring any of my ideas to fruition. I wish I had an act. Wish in one hand, shit in the other…I hope I can find greater definition to my “act” as it were…
In the meantime, my heartfelt, sincere, genuine and abject thanks to all the people that make my life worthwhile and fulfilling. DON’T READ INTO THE ORDER OF LISTING, PLEASE:
Mike, Dave, Bolton, Bret, Angie, Erin, Shawn, Clark & Melissa, Alexis, Scotty, Cecil, Lee Anne, Brianna, Mandy and Neil, Marty, Ellie, Paula, Mel, Mattie Fo, Amy, Jon fucking Gaige, Jeremy, Lance “Shred” Kasten, Derek, Colin, Bill, Tracy, Cindy, Alana, Tessa, Amy, Chile, Jersey Mike, Chris, Theresa (maybe one day we’ll see each other face-to-face) FAMILY (Mark & Deb, Ceil & Paul, Steve & Eileen), Sarah, Amy (not THAT Amy, but the other one), Terrence (we’ve cut off from each other, but he’s still important), Sandra, Charles (“Roow-MAAANS!”), Mike (the same one – worthy of a second mention), Dave (same Dave, same reason)…and even in his own twisted little way, one partnered, painted, feckless wonder.
…if you’ve been left out, then accept my apology. It’s off the top of my head, and you KNOW that method of doing things will leave gaps…
Thank you, all – you’ve collectively worked, without your knowing – to make my predictions about 2008 wholly inaccurate, and I’m the better man for it.
Be well, please, everyone, and stay in touch. I’d love to hear from you.
Thanks for listening.
Philip
One Perspective 