Originally published on this site Feb 16, 2008
So, um, hello – it’s been some time since I’ve simply spoken here, devoid of agenda beyond a statement of things as they are for me – what I ponder, what I’m doing, what’s happening. I’ve started a few over the past few weeks, small one-page things that had no continuity or sense of momentum – as though what were coming out had more to it than the words being created in the moment.
My nephew Mark called Thursday night at the most interesting of times – just prior to my beginning to “work the out” for a show at the Hershey Giant Center. Given that it was 11:00pm, it struck me funny how many evenings he could have called and I would have been doing something NOT related to working as a stagehand. The conversation came to me for Mark made a pointed note of “capturing the sun” during these times and I am, on this sunny Saturday, craning and leaning to be among the slivers subtending through all we’ve built around ourselves.
And it turns out that’s this post is about a month removed from “The Latest Info” which was a pedantic entry, and as for the post before, the “Who Exactly Are You?” post – well, it lingers on my mind that I had the temerity to attempt to answer that question. Which is a relevant point because now, at the moment of this typing, the questions still surround me and I feel I move about my life with wonderment and suprise at the things that happen to me.
Sort of.
Because I wonder how many people might be given, actually, to spending an idle moment typing precisely how they feel at said moment, and that the deepest questions about their existence, their will, their choices, pound at them with relentless rhythm (perhaps I AM given to alliteration), the wound that never heels for its two lacerated edges sit on either side of your reality and the NOWness of the moment always suggests that the edges can be bound and lathered in the salve of love, but it is only a suggestion after all, because there, in fact, is no NOWness.
Man, I really do love this stuff. (And reading, five minutes later, he catches a clue about himself – maybe all this lingers because I LOVE how it lingers and never gets answered – I am drawn to it, I’m drawn to the endless “working out” of it that never reaches an answer but always begs the next question)
There is no now. And that’s the BIG joke, you see. But if we can get over the joke and come to some agreement about that perspective, then “something like Heaven may evolve” – to quote Bill Hicks.
I don’t think a lot of deep, philosophical questions regarding TIME. I tend to “work with what I have” on that score, and to that degree I s’pose I’m a realist. But I approach that not so much because I find the virtue and truth in realism, but more because I get there because it’s simpler. Being a realist is easy. Being a realist is almost, if you want to look at it like THIS, being idealistic about reality – taking all and everything at “face value” and NOT wondering about its ontology or behavior independent of your own interaction or existence, or indeed any of us. It’s a total unabated trust in what is presented to you and simply accepting it as “being” and not inferring anything beyond what you feel you perceive (always have to qualify that perception thing). ALL THAT TO SAY that, I accept that time simply marches on.
Which is relevent to the larger point (I’m compelled to apologize for a freewheelering – I’m leaving that typo in because it’s too fucking funny – approach to my writing. It makes keeping a continuity to “the point” very difficult for the reader, but it’ll come out the way it’ll come out. For those of you that take the time to read this, you have my thanks. You must know the degree of catharsis I get from this…) – the larger point being that I’m left to wonder how often people could, at any moment in their lives, be compelled to sit down and type out what’s in their head and what they’d type out is the perplexity that they carry about the deepest, hardest questions about life.
And I wonder whether that’s just a silly, deep way of saying “I wonder if there’s anyone out there like me?”
And I quote Bill Hicks a lot because I’ve listened to him often – because I think to some extent I think like he does, so I was attracted to what he said –
And I wonder about my own existence and my own perceptions and interpretations so very often, in the confines of considering the very moment that just past – over and over and over and over. Which, by the way, is what the big joke is – that there is now NOW. That, by the time you’re recognizing that the moment IS, it’s already gone and moved on to the next one. So where you ARE is different from where you PERCEIVE you are – your perception is always that one tick behind.
Your mind is always one tick behind your body. Your body, your vessel, that which carries all of you, rests amidst the beutiful reality of everything. Your perception and interaction with all that, though, is one step behind what IS.
And what IS – has a very high likelihood of being REMARKABLY like the previous moment. And the next moment has a very high likelihood of being VERY MUCH like the moment that IS (that you don’t yet perceive). Which makes the whole “existing” thing pretty predictable and easy to work with. (”Very high likelihood” being something in the 99.99999999etc. percentage of likelihood.)
We pause – for station identification.
This is Philip. I’ve moved, by the way, out of Bolton’s house (an endless number of Thank You’s to Bolton), and into the third floor of a friend’s house.
The curious may e-mail me at pwheeler1224@hotmail.com for details.
I have my slivers of sunlight, I have my moments, I have my questions, and I have my actions.
More later. Always.
Thanks for listening. This will probably end up being the start of a new page.
One Perspective 