Originally written Aug 21 2007; published here Nov 30, 2007
OKAY! Good morning! Hello! Salutations! Greetings!
Sometimes you just don’t know how to kick these things off…but I begin with the word JUST.
I’m still plowing my way through Plato’s Republic, currently mingling in the dialogues surrounding what constitutes a just man or just behavior, and the etymology of the word and its various connotations wells up inside of me.
Barring the primary uses (which take up the first few numbered definitions in Danny Dictionary), we also know there are ways to use the word that seemingly have little to do with justice. It can be ‘only a moment ago’ (“You just missed him.”) or ‘simply, clearly’ (“That rainbow is just beautiful.”) or ‘merely, only’ (“Just one more, please.”) or ‘by a narrow margin’ (“He just managed to finish.”) – the last I suppose giving rise to ‘adjust.’
It gives me pause, for I wonder whether the primary definitions played a role in creating the secondary definitions. Is there some component of “being just” embedded in those more subtler uses? I’m too ignorant to answer that question, but it’s an interesting one.
But the debates in the book continue, and Socrates is pressed to describe the virtues of being a just man that are inherent. As these discuss and describe, I cannot help but go back to the words WANT and SHOULD.
If a person does whatever they WANT to do, can we say they behave in a just manner?
If a person does what SHOULD be done, can we say they behave in a just manner? Rub-a-dub-dub…for the definition of that big word is wiiiiide open for interpretation, whereas “want,” comparatively speaking, is pretty easy to figure out.
From which I contend two things:
First, you always know. You always know when you are behaving justly, when you are doing something for yourself and yourself only and going against “the grain” (of whatever “the grain” is, though it to me is self-evident), and when you’re doing “the right thing.”
Second – and this one’s a little tougher – I cannot clearly ascertain whether my recent choices are just. I’m truly of two minds here…
…for I can see that I do not assault the aesthetic, I do not assert my definition and existence, I do not attempt to place undue import upon myself, I make efforts not to WANT nor to satisfy what wants creep into my brain. I feel no depression regarding my condition, do not spend inordinate amounts of time in woe of my situation, and genuinely believe I’m trying to have a positive impact on the world.
And yet…
…based on my “you always know” adage, there’s something very unhealthy about what’s going on these days. I must be indulging myself, I must be doing what I want instead of what needs to be done (what should be done). I take what I want – in this context, it is time. I am taking my time and doing what I believe is the right thing for me to do, but I wonder whether I’ve contorted my definition of “the right thing” in such a manner as to allow me to do what I want to do.
What do I want to do? I want to find that portion inside each of us that acknowledges the sorry state of the human condition, that sees the path we are on and the individual and collective control that our egos have over our lives, shake some things up, and maybe do what I can to move us along towards our greatest potential…
Can we DO something about all this, please? Pretty please?
No? Really? Are you sure? Would you rather get your house and your TV and your cellphone and your Blackberry and your laptop and your car and your vacation and your tickets to the ballgame and your downtime and squeeze what happiness you can out of your life because deep down you know we’re all fucked and you’re just this one tiny person who can’t do anything about it so you might as well carve out what happiness you can based on your definition of it?
I imagine so. Me? This is the part where I believe I’m trying to DO something about it by denying those things for myself, be reducing my assets and reducing or ignoring my WANTS because then I would merely be doing the same thing – burying my head in the sand and placing my own importance and wants ahead of everything else.
A car? Nice thing to have – it lets me do what I want, go where I want, gives me freedom, gives me options, gives me pleasure…blah, blah, blah, blah. I can clearly see the invention of the automobile as a testament to humankind’s greed, an icon to our WANT to go faster, go where we want and carry around what we need. Sure, it costs us fossil fuels, clean air, billions of miles of concrete pressed down upon the earth and keeping it from breathing the polluted air – but hey, at least I’ve got my Hummer!
Makes me want to PUKE BLOOD.
I no longer wish to have my car, and nor do I wish to go through the efforts of getting rid of it. PNC Bank, in their typically insistent manner, will “make things right” in their context. Irresponsible of me? Based on their definition, I suppose. I’ve certainly paid for the right to drive this car for the near-18 months that I have – the bank has been well compensated.
Would someone please explain to me how it is I am in this mindset? I’m not bent towards any addictive behaviors, I do not sully myself with a grinding need to change the perspective of my brain through alcohol or any narcotic. Here I am, a reasonably intelligent guy, unaffected and untainted, who believes himself to have minimized his perception of reality and see what is true and real for myself and everyone around me, who has become a TRUTH MACHINE that asserts only the truth of the aesthetic and the truth of our collective willful ignorance. Does that REALLY make me insane? Have I simply got things twisted? (“Got us all twisted, homes – gotta put your own work in around here.” – Training Day) Illuminate me – educate me – tell me what I’ve got wrong about all this. I know that I don’t know. I don’t know what I don’t know, but at least I can say that I know THAT I don’t know. (Hope that made sense.) Too afraid to engage me directly, then by all means do so anonymously. I’ll respond, but be prepared for me to call you on your choice.
You want me to want for myself as you want for yourself. I simply cannot do that – I just cannot. I see why you make your choices, I see the fear that is inside you that creates your ego and makes you want for yourself – I cannot do that.
I am not depressed for myself. I do not see myself in a woeful condition. I do not attempt to create pity, nor do I attempt to become a victim. My spirits (euphemism-free) are very good. Am I human? Am I fallible? Am I capable of indulgent behavior? Of course – I’m still smoking cigarettes, aren’t I? I went to New York last Thursday, didn’t I? I got rip-roaring drunk, didn’t I? If you’re going to tell me what I’m doing wrong, then you better be prepared for me to debate it – I’ll be searching for the truth to the answer, but won’t accept things stated to me blindly or based on some naïve perception of reality. I’m a tough crowd when it comes to the truth, for I believe I see it without bias, without an ego that tries to create a perception of reality where I can get what I want.
I know there are people in the world that value me and place import upon my existence – this completes my definition, and releases me from the need to assert myself and demand value and worth. I exist in the aesthetic and it is a beautiful, random, indifferent EVERYTHING. I am comparatively insignificant – not woe, not self-pity, but the truth. I can say it with a smile on my face and with the joy of life and love surrounding me. I laugh heartily, I laugh strongly, I draw out the laughter in others when they choose to place me in their company…
But I do not sleep well. I am ungrounded, for I DON’T KNOW HOW to go about being this person. Who would give my words credence? Who would be willing to acknowledge the truth behind the reality I put forth? Who would be willing to let go of their perception, let go of their ego?
I walked in New York that evening eyes straight ahead, living in the moment, mindful of the present and my present physical surroundings, taking in the joy of being around so many people, gazing at their faces, looking in their eyes (what might be considered a dangerous prospect in New York, but I contend there is a falseness to this brought on by fear).
The world is a beautiful, wonderful, joyous place, and BEING ALIVE and KNOWING YOU’RE ALIVE is a wondrous, exhilarating feeling. We’re fucking it up, and we know it. Bury your head in the sand, get another tattoo, write some foppish little ditty and set it to music (or don’t).
There’s no time for celebration…yet. There’s too much to fix. We CAN reach our highest potential – we CAN be beings on this planet that recognize our place, our role, and how we have assaulted the aesthetic from our fear, asserted our dominance over and over to make sure WE GET WHAT WE WANT.
There’s that blood vomit again.
Tolkein saw it. “The Lord of the Rings” speaks to man’s assault on the aesthetic, the un-naturalness to raping the land, turning things towards our will and the exterminative dangers inherent in that action. The evil Saruman burns the forest for the fuel to forge and bend and twist man-made metals to achieve the ego-driven goal of domination. And what becomes his demise (he asks Socratically)? Trees and water.
Any questions?
There are people no longer in my life whom I miss terribly. Their choices make me feel as though there’s something inordinately wrong in my character that keeps them away. Hell, they may even be unaware of these sentences – they may have changed the channel and made the continual choice to keep me out of their lives. I am powerless, and I have regrets.
And I have love.
And some things will never change.
And I have brought it on myself. Instant karma’s gonna get you. (Lennon)
I have acted impulsively, indulgently, and suffer the consequences as those whom I have made to suffer. The irony is laughable, for it is the comedy that arises from tragedy.
So I will read. And I will write. And I will talk. And I will secure my needs for survival without my ego driving me to choices for a faux happiness built from fear.
I am, apart from not succeeding, fearless.
I think I’ll get back to writing something a little more fun. Mr. Doom’s bumming everybody out.
Thanks for listening.
Philip
One Perspective 