There arrives the moments of my life where, like many, I find myself listening to a friend explain the words or actions of some third party and the pain or emotional trauma the friend feels as a result. They explain the events in detail and reveal the confusion or lack of understanding that has caused their pain or trauma.
Most often, my friend wishes only for empathy; they want some person separate from the situation to appreciate what has transpired and to legitimize the pain or trauma they’re undergoing. On some occasions, though, their wish goes deeper – recognizing that their pain comes from a lack of understanding, they hope that by explaining the situational details I might offer some insight to the offending creature’s underlying motivations. I find myself in these moments at my most repetitious, sensing very similar explanations behind the choices made by both parties, the particulars of the situation notwithstanding.
I’m no soothsayer, of course, and before I put forth any explanation to my friend I confess that I am only capable of speculation. My repetitiousness, though, arises because “all things being equal, the simplest explanation is the most likely,” paraphrasing a general rule put forth by mathematician and philosopher William of Occam. (You might surprise yourself to find how often circumstances arise where “Occam’s Razor” can be used.) This “simplest explanation” behind the hurtful words or actions centers most often around one idea – something so pervasive, insidious and powerful that it winds its way through most every moment of our lives.
Fear.
To aid my friend and give more than just my take on things, I often take a Socratic approach to my explanations, asking questions out loud and then working together to arrive at the answers. My hope here is that the exercise might possibly equip them for the next moment they’re feeling hurt and I’m not there to help. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime. I pose questions I would ask myself about the situation, and walk with them through each possible explanation to examine its efficacy. We don’t stumble on specifics – the “what,” “where” and “when” of the offending situation rarely eludes us. The “WHY” of things, though, typically presents a more arduous and uncertain path; this is where Occam’s Razor can become our guide. At its most fundamental, we can answer “Why did this person say or do this hurtful thing?” with that one confounding and motivating word – fear. Time and again, I’ve found myself saying to others, “It’s hardly ever what people say or do – it’s the ‘why’ behind their choices that vex us.” We stand a greater chance to clarify that vexation, then, if we consider how that person’s fears may have driven their choices.
We are each, after all, just trying to live our lives and be happy (as I’m often wont to say). “Being happy” in this grand context typically includes being safe, secure, stable, and maintaining control over our lives. It stands to reason, then, that the LOSS of these virtues – feeling less safe, less secure, less stable, and with less control in our lives – would be a thing to fear. It also stands to reason that these are common goals of happiness, and thus common fears among us all, ourselves included.
We can therefore speculate – “speculation” repeated for emphasis – that the offending party’s words or actions are driven by some internal fear. We can conclude a likelihood of this but we cannot be certain of it, for there is very little in the world of which we can be certain. Regardless of this lack of certainty, though, we can take comfort in considering the likelihood of fear-driven activity because it gives us a greater understanding of a person’s motivations, and thus a greater propensity for forgiveness. If we can consider that a person is motivated by a desire to maintain their happiness, we can find a common ground between them and us…for we ourselves are similarly motivated. Could there be a lack of consideration by the offending party? Certainly. But if that person, like ourselves, is simply frightened over the potential loss of one of those virtues (safety, etc.) then they are JUST LIKE US, and thus worthy of forgiveness.
This consideration can also be helpful in removing any sense that their actions are driven by their specific regard for us as individuals – in other words, we can see that their actions or words are NOT PERSONAL. If some person says or does something to offend or hurt me, I find it very likely that their words or actions are fear-driven behaviors and NOT because of a personal attack against me. This helps me reduce and possibly eliminate the impact of their choices on my internal sense of worthiness and value. The more I might perceive other’s choices as driven by their regard for me as a person, the more likely my self-worth will be impacted. But if I can eliminate that by considering their choices as merely driven by their own fears, then my self-worth continues without impediment.
At each moment in our lives, there is “that which we want” and “that which we don’t want.” The more we get what we want, the greater our happiness. FEAR, then, is nothing more than the consideration that “what we don’t want” might happen – the greater we perceive that likelihood, the greater our fear. This can help us not only understand the motivation of others, it can also help us better understand ourselves and our own behavior. Have you caught yourself wondering why you say or do certain things? Consider the possibility that you, like each of us, fear the lessening of your happiness, the loss of your safety, security, stability, and control. You are motivated to prevent this from happening (thus maintaining your level of happiness), and so it is that you, too, are motivated by fear.
Fear-LESS living could well be an ideal, but extraordinarily difficult to achieve. It stands to reason that we might each do well to improve our own outlook, behavior, and consideration if we live with less fear…and more love.
One Perspective 