Autumn 2017

….feels like Autumn 2016
…feels like Summer 2017
…feels like Spring 2017

…feels the same, because I feel the same.

You know, this  is a fairly thick website. I’ve written a LOT, and there’s a LOT to read here. The posts, like this one, are far more ethereal – though they remain in permanence – because they reflect the feeling in the moment of the composition, as this one will. Th e pages, though, are much thicker. There’s a LOT of stuff there….

My point? Well, I haven’t written NEARLY as much as I used to, for two reasons. First, predictably, my life became more and more busy – the more idle I was, the more I was given to write. As things progressed I devoted less and less time. Fair enough.

Second reason is – well, I just don’t have a lot more to say. Or at least I’m not as compelled to repeat myself. My cynicism towards existence has grown exponentially (we’ve done graphs to prove it), and my cynicism towards expressing myself in any capacity has grown even more.

You see, the thing is…I don’t really think I’m cut out for this whole “being a human in this world” thing. (oh – I was kidding about having done graphs) I get very little joy out of life, I get very little attention, I get very little regard…and I’ve no doubt I’ve sown these seeds myself, and I hold myself responsible for my position in life, the level of regard given to me, the level of consideration given to me, and the level of decency I give to myself.

I ideate about suicide most every day. I don’t think I’ll do it, but you never know, do you? One of my depressive episodes (OR, as others have directly suggested, simply another day in some uber-depression that’s been ongoing – a ring of truth, hence the acknowledgment) may well end up being “successful.” If I could manage a way without pain, and create a mindset that drives me to the last choice, I could well achieve that end.

And THAT’S also funny, because it’s in those moments when I consider the world after I’m gone – will anyone even notice that I HAD this website? Will anyone notice all the things I’ve said here, all the lamentations, all the inner turmoil?

What, am I supposed to ask for HELP? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
(My cynicism is showing again)
Help ME? I cannot imagine anyone feeling compelled to do so.
Surely, if asked, there are people who would express willingness to help….but why ask?

SERIOUSLY, people, for all of you who ask for people who are suicidal to reach out so they can get help, what makes you think THAT is what a suicidal person would do? Can’t you imagine that the LAST thing a suicidal person would do is ask someone to help them climb out of their hole? I cannot imagine that – and I’m a constantly suicidal person. What would a cynical, suicidal person think? They would think “Everyone has their OWN problems & challenges – if I reach out and ask for help, then I’m admitting that I can’t handle my life by myself and I need people to help me see things differently, and ultimately, people want  to deal with their own problems & challenges — or joys – and would be much happier WITH me if I were able to help mySELF and not require their help. That’s what they’d prefer…”

Suicide seems selfish from the outside looking in.
Suicide is selfless from the inside out.
So does that make it a virtuous consideration? It used to be. It used to be honorable to take your own life. Given the overcrowding of the planet and the inability for the human race to rise to our better angels, it almost feels like it’s once again honorable to remove oneself from all consideration. Wouldn’t it be easier for so many if my suffering and lamentation were no longer a factor to deal with? Wouldn’t the pending difficulties of getting  older – meaning how they would impact those around me –  be made so much easier if those pending difficulties were taken off the table?

“But Philip – what about all the good qualities that you have and how you share that with others?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Two lines of laughter for that one – in case any of you were still seeking out how this alleged ‘cynicism’ manifests)

Self-loathing is selfish from the inside-out.
Self-loathing isn’t noticed from the outside in. (more on this later.)

THAT’S the part all you “Just reach out!” people fail to remember. What, are you hoping for some sliver of self-worth inside the suicidally-afflicted to find purchase and compel the afflicted to reach out? Wow that feels like a rhetorical question…because the answer (“That sort of hope is an unreasonable proposition.”) seems so self-evident to me, that anyone who might answer “Yes! I believe I CAN hope for a sliver of self-worth inside this person!” is just naive.

Having said that, though, I totally understand why people ask for the suicidal  to reach out – ’cause that’s the ONLY WAY THE WORLD WILL KNOW YOU’RE SUICIDAL. No one – NO ONE – sees the symptoms for what they are. No one sees steps towards greater isolation, no one takes heed at comments indicating a dire lack of self-worth. People who may even have noticed any of this surely wouldn’t think to themselves, “That person is actually suicidal and I should maybe take some active steps to change that otherwise a tragedy will ensue that will make many people sad.” Nope nope nope nope nope. Instead, they’ll say, “Wonder what their problem is?” And THAT will be a rhetorical question because underneath there is no curiosity to genuinely find out what “their” problem is – it’s merely an expression of confusion. And then the curious person will quickly drop that thought and continue about their day.

That is a COMPLETELY cynical viewpoint, I grant you. And to read that, most people would likely disagree……when someone reads that they don’t want to agree with it because it would have them casting themselves in a very selfish, unfeeling, inconsiderate light – and no one wants to feel that way about themselves if they can avoid it. Instead, people will read that and say, “No! I would definitely try to help!” because they see themselves as kind, caring, attentive people.

And I don’t fault anyone for wanting to feel that way.
And I don’t fault anyone for inadvertently ignoring the signs. It’s not easy. And the people who hide it well, the REAL self-loathers, will leave only the subtlest of clues, and only the TRULY attentive and TRULY considerate among us could even notice. Most of us will see these subtle clues merely as part of the din of daily existence, lost amidst the turmoil that is their OWN lives. And, again, no fault or blame is being assigned here – I begrudge no one their focus on their own lives – it’s something of a necessity, no?

Let us acknowledge, then, that the suicidal among us cannot be helped until they help themselves. That, to me, holds the paradox – how can anyone expect someone to help themselves when their internal consideration has them in a position of being helpless, not worthy or deserving of help, pointless, worthless, free-of-virtue, burdensome, draining…………….how on Earth would you expect someone with those considerations to suddenly turn their thinking around and GAIN enough self-worth to seek help for the rest of those feelings?

I work full-time. When I work, there are things I’m to do – there are expectations of me, responsibilities I’m beholden to…and in that environment, when I get to think of “what to do” I’m able to get through my day – with suicide ideation riding right along with me every step of the way – without TOO much self-loathing because “at least I’m busy and someone expects things of me.”

Outside of that, though, I’ve never ever ever really had an answer of “what to do” with the conglomeration of things that comprise Philip.

To be more precise, I’ve never had an answer for “what to do since you can’t really DO what you’d REALLY like to do?”

I’m not going into that REALLY part – it”s been mentioned and discussed by me in many posts and pages on this site. If you’re unaware and disinclined to do the research – suffice to say it’s nothing untoward or irresponsible or unseemly or illegal. I;’m not trying to be purposely vague here – I’m simply not inclined to delve into it here & now, ’cause it’s comparatively irrelevant.

That, and also that I feel the exercise (what I’d REALLY like to do) to be quite pointless, quite unregarded, actually quite ridiculous. A partially cynical viewpoint, yes, but it’s also from experience – for I predict that response based ALSO on how my own internal “want to do” exercises in past times, when they’ve reached fruition, have been received – quite pointless, quite unregarded, actually quite ridiculous. And gosh, I’m cynical about my own life because of that? Partially, yes.

I really could go on and on, railing against myself, against life, against the current condition of the human race and how, after over 3000 years (longer?) of knowing enough about “what it takes to lead a virtuous life,” we still act so poorly to each other.

We’re still compelled, you see, to think, act, and regard ONLY ourselves.
We’re encouraged to keep the arrow of our attention and actions pointed inwards, to  ourselves. Problem with that is, there ends up being only one arrow pointed at you – the one you put there yourself. It is EXTRAORDINARILY SELF-EVIDENT TO ME that, if people would actually point the arrows of their attention and actions outward to others – if EVERYONE would do that, then how many arrows, you suppose, would be pointed at you in that scenario? I’m not sure, but it’d definitely be more than one.

Living a totally selfless life, giving only, ever, to others….not concerning yourself with yourself at all, except to keep yourself healthy and  happy enough to be able to continue helping others. (Hey – it’s completely idealized – it’s allowed to be a sentence fragment  – I’m not a writer)

I don’t consider myself a religious man, but WOW that feels to me like a description of the life of Jesus Christ – certainly it sounds like the kind of life He was advocating. I mean, if you ignore, for the moment, the second part of the Golden Rule, then it reduces itself to “Do unto others.” It doesn’t mention anything about keeping yourself in money and belongings – how many actually beloved people from human existence were beloved because they made a lot of money or had a lot of stuff?

Jesus? Gandhi? MLKing? Mother Teresa?/
They had nothing. They acquired nothing. They horded nothing. Their lives, their comfort, their status, their popularity, their wealth – none of this was in their consideration. What WAS in their consideration? Doing unto others.

And here’s my next question – do you suppose they helped people only when said people reached out?

Hey lepers! Feeling afflicted and want help? Just call 1-800-LEP-CURE and Jesus will, maybe, come and help you if he can!

Hungry? You don’t have to feel hungry – reach out to Mother Teresa and she’ll hopefully do what she can to get YOU food!

Yeah…..no. With their “arrows pointed outwards” they actively sought out those in need, and went to them to offer aid.

We’re not there as a race. It’s SO easy, too! And, likely, if we ever get there, we’d achieve something like heaven on Earth (he utters, with an internal nod to Bill Hicks for that consideration).

We had this all figured out a long time ago.
And now it’s 2017, and consider the state of this nation.
Getting further away from that idealized condition, ain’t we?
And you would suggest to me to reach out because I’m really unhappy with who I am, feel incapable of being anyone of worth, and I should lean, temporarily, on other people to help me through these times?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

If I’m ever successful in killing myself (though few would call that a success) – and if this site ever gets posthumously reviewed, MANY MANY signals of my intention will be seen – and OH WHAT A TRAGEDY WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING LET’S HELP OTHERS SO THEY DON’T  DO WHAT HE DID have gain a smidgen of footing before being cast aside for the next internally-driven “what can I do for ME?” choice.

I think my point here is, you never know. I envision posting here, in whatever madcap scenario my self-inflicted death takes on – that way you’d at least know WHAT. If you explore the site, you could well discover WHY – or at least make a reasonable guess. This is not a suicide note. I’m going to go to sleep now.

Thanks for listening.

Philip