Compilation and introductory page created Jun 23, 2009
Prologue
There are “posts” and there are “pages” on this site – “pages” have greater permanance, posts are day-by-day. There are some posts that I’ve composed that enough girth, for me, that I chose to move them to pages of their own.
Two Recent Selections for this Introductory Page
First, an excerpt from my 5/29/09 post “A Pause Before the Onset:”
A Quieting of the Mind – An Aspiration – There was a post I posted last October (November?) called “Catch and Release” that spoke of this subject, and it has not abated, and it has brought itself to particular relief yet again. I’ve caputed this categorically on my Facebook profile with the introductory statement, “Evidence indicates that this profile should mention “thinking too much” and being all too frequently overwhelmed by the people that pass in and out of his life.” And my mind twists and froogs as it will, and last night walking home from rehearsal my mind was going ALL OVER THE PLACE and I began a small chant as I walked, hoping for nothing more than to quiet my thoughts. It did not succeed.
These are not dreadful or fearful thoughts, simply complex considerations. And they vex and they addle and their volume belies any attempt at focus. In an effort to DO something with all that – because that question always repeats itself with me, “What am I supposed to DO with all this?” I went to a local bar last night with my journal (and a pen, otherwise…well, you get it) and tried to write some of it out. In a word, FAIL. For a lot of reasons. Which is not to say there weren’t things I learned last night (mostly about alcohol and empty stomachs – coulda sworn I’d learned that before, but apparently not). But I had all these introductory qualifiers and explanations and things that I felt were relevant to lead with in the journaling – to say NOTHING of my continual need to tell myself it was okay to keep writing and my journaling had merit because there’s so much of me that’s convinced ANY expression is merely self-indulgent tripe and not worth the time. And the gentleman to my left who suffers gained my attention and my ear, and the conversation with Donny gained my attention and my distractions and my scribing became more and more illegible and in between all the “is all this expression WORTH it?” questions were the other reminders that all to which I would speculate IS, in fact, only speculation and the amount of things I actually KNOW is so amazingly little that the idea of actually CAPTURING any of it felt so pointless so often that it was work to convince myself it was okay to get it out that I actually got very little of it out.
So…yeah, you get the idea. And certainly last night I got a little loopy but not so loopy as to get lost and I wasn’t even high – which I am not now, either, THAT little dalliance having been removed from my life for three months now and I’m left to wonder of the fficacy of all those earlier considerations that my “being high” was the onset of manic thoughts because here, withOUT being high and having been so removed FROM being high and my thoughts are, in instances, no less manic. I mean, let’s be fair – is there a STRING OF THOUGHT that you, intrepid reader, are able to follow? I consider it highly unlikely, and yet I place enough trust in what I’m saying to “plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit” (to quote Bill Hicks, as is often my wont).
It began – well, it never really stopped, so I cannot say “it began” – it accelerated with an opening comment by Clark, our director who, in his effort to infuse the company with energy and purpose stated something I know I’ve said countless times to countless people: “It’s what what you think or what you believe – it’s what you DO that matters” and (as I just made mention to him) I wanted to leap up and express my most ardent endorsement and expand on the though because it offers the opportunity to change behaviors so much for the betterment of all. But I chose, instead, to say nothing. (It wasn’t my place, nor was the opportunity, um, opportune). And THAT even stands as a solid example, just as most of the time when I DON’T say anything. It is not a lack of expression, but instead a choice to NOT express for I know how little it can add to the situation. TO DO NOT is as much as TO DO.
And so, as I said in a recent FB status, I look up, then close my eyes, and say so very little, knowing the high likelihood that my remaining quiet keeps thing simpler for everyone else. Need proof? Well, how omuch of the above has substance? Very little. Yet, it is said, and you – intrepid reader – have slogged your way through it. Wouldn’t your life have been simpler had all this NOT been expressed?
And HERE’S the thing: There’s so much that runs through, so many considerations, so many revelaed agendas, all suppressed, all kept quiet to keep things simpler…..wouldn’t it be easier if the mind simply didn’t have those thoughts to begin with? I aspire to a quieting of the mind.
Thanks for listening.
One of these days I’d be keen to know why.
Philip
Next, an excerpt from my May 2 post “Of Clouds and Webs:”
Keeping the Web Up
It turns out that, somehow, these past two weeks have found me listening to a greater-than-average amount of friends as they question aloud the grand questions of life: what’s the point, what am I doing, why am I doing it, what’s it all about – stuff like that. I guess I end up listening to them about these things because they feel they can ask me about them and receive a cogent answer borne from empathy, my experiences, my considerations, and my genuine interest in precisely these topics. It is a humbling gift they give to me – the trust they place, the vulnerability they expose…
There’s an analogy I’ve found myself extolling to them; one that seems to offer a different manner of looking at existence. (It’s even come up in the character work rehearsals we’ve been doing for Cymbeline – which only further affirms my connection with Clark.) Given, first, how often I’ve said to myself and others that “we do not exist alone, but only in relation to others” I build from this and have these wondering, searching individuals consider the “web of connections” that they have with all the family & friends that they have…and, when they feel their life is unfulfilling, when they feel their life does not offer them satisfaction, when they feel there’s very little worth living for…they know that I, too, have had my battles with these questions, and they know I can identify with those feelings and those questions, and they know I wish to give them something that can allow them to continue and find more happiness (for they know – or can sense – that I’ve discovered some things which have allowed ME to continue), I tell them something about their web…
…that, when it feels as though there’s very little, then at the VERY LEAST they can give the gift to all to whom they are connected by keeping their portion of the web “up” – that their ability to try their best to find happiness in those darkest, most solitary of moments, does their connection of friends & family a service by NOT letting things “sag.” Their choice to remove themselves, or their choice to wallow in the (unavoidable) difficulties in life, brings the web down and makes more difficult the lives of their friends and family. “If you have trouble finding the joy of life for yourself, find the joy of YOUR life that you give to others, and as you offer them a simpler, happier existence through your perserverance and the meeting/overcoming of your struggles, then you can find happiness in the giving of that gift.”
It is not a simple thing to do. It is not very easy in those dark, solitary moments to let your wants and your needs go and think first of what your life means to others. It goes against the grain of the “self-entitles individual” perspective that our current way of living all too often emphasizes. It IS, however, the nature of love. And the offering of love through reminding yourself that “your life ain’t all about you” is a gift that you can give to those around you…and the giving of that gift of love can, if found and genuine, offer a fundamental happiness that cannot be matched by achieving any personal selfish want. You cannot expect to be there all the time, but you can always make the effort, make the attempt, learn from those moments when you falter and get up and try again…and give the gift of your love to those around you by remembering how your existence – and your ability to meet the inherent challenges of living – maintains the web in its lofted state………
I’ve spoken of this at least eight or nine times in the past two weeks, and the feedback I receive suggests that, at the very least, the seed is planted in their heads. Whether it advances to any real change within their moods is a thing to which I cannot speak (because I’m not in their heads).
And THERE…is another version of my philosophy. Variations on this – and the amount of love and admiration I have for those around me, and the joy I manage to squeeze out of the people that surround me – all also exist somewhere either in the “Commentary” or “Abstract” categories of my posts…or in the pages listed under “More Content.” Perhaps somewhere, somehow, sometime, it may be culled/gleaned/reviewed/made succinct, and I’ll have an opportunity to speak of this aloud to many people at once, versus typing it by myself.
Thanks for listening.
Philip
One Perspective 